The Janus Dilemma

[Mr. Analog]

Sounds like a 70s evil computer movie title, but what I'm talking about is crossroads and the rather unnerving development that I have become a desirable resource for multiple competing entities.

Huh? Err what I mean is...

I've been getting a lot of tempting job offers recently, the latest was today. Now I'm very happy with the result of my hard work from last year and having had a discussion with my career advisor some even more awesome changes that I have been pushing for are coming up really soon (in fact the CEO had a webcast about it yesterday).

The trouble I have is basically all these offers (there are currently 3 outside the company and 2 inside) are really, really tempting, the only X-factor really is compensation and corporate culture.

It's rare that I am in this kind of position and of course with my anxiety issues it's going to weigh on my subconscious until I can make a firm decision.

The trouble is this: I'm happy with what I'm doing and I am a key to future project success AND something I have wanted to see change is in fact changing at the moment. The new opportunities all sound interesting in different ways, the one that presented itself today would give me a 5 to 10 k raise and make me a technology leader with flex time, on the flip side I know the environment that I would be going to and I've got mixed feelings about it.

I'm extremely conflicted at the moment, things are looking up in all directions and everything seems like a sure thing. I know this weekend I'll have to make an inventory of pros and cons for each but I'm really quite... I dunno apprehensive? To go in any of the directions (I'm sure mostly due to anxiety issues).

I've never been caught in a situation like this before where I am literally at a crossroads with many options that all look good...

Thoughts?

[Darren Dirt]

quiet room, mellow music, blank piece of paper, "t" shape across top of page, 2 columns "pros" and "cons".

Brainstorm, do not judge what you write down.

You gotta figure out what you value the MOST. +5k or +10k is huge for some people, but if corporate culture and/or longterm stability and/or freedom of job execution = @%&#, then it might not be worth it. Or it might be. You decide. Cuz remember, it's you that's gonna be at that new job (or this current one) 3 months and 6 months from now (and more?)


Maybe AFTER you've done that kind of free stream of consciousness journaling way, you'll be better able to take "advice" from others... or maybe you won't need it.

GL sir!

[Lazybones]

Do any of the internal options move you out in my direction 

I think the pro / con table is VERY important....

It was an incredibly hard choice for me when I moved.. The timing was all wrong but the opportunity has really worked out well.

Corporate culture is a real problem however... it is what you have to live with every day and can be a big source of stress.

[Mr. Analog]

That's an excellent suggestion DD, I think I know what I'll be doing over the weekend.

What makes this decision making process most difficult is that with many of the possible new directions I'd be working with people I've really enjoyed working with in the past, while I love my current job I find it a tad... antiseptic. Put bluntly I have only professional friends here and recently I came to the realization that in truth my social life has traditionally also been my work life.

I am finding my life outside work enjoyable and filled with many people I interact with remotely, but devoid of direct human contact. Even when Tonnica was living with me I found her to be distant, when I was working at Highfield with "the guys" I didn't have any problems, but again, since I'm in a more isolated environment now I'm finding a lot of emptiness I never noticed before, possibly exacerbated (or maybe exposed) by the last year of dealing with anxiety issues. It has been even more challenging to actually get out and mingle like I used to (oh how I miss hitting Whyte Ave, West Ed or "punk rock bingo" Wednesdays, concerts, jazz cafe, going out for just a drink, etc) frankly those things scare me now (all irrational crap somewhat dulled through medication and certainly fading from my personality thank god...).

Outside of family, the social calls I receive either raise my anxiety levels and I end up isolating myself or I push myself to commit to doing small things (usually with positive outcome). I mean, I'm actually afraid of playing CoH with Melbosa because I might miss some of his messages in the chat window, or playing Warmachine with SilverSurfer and Mr. BigRed because I can't remember all the rules and stuff. It sounds stupid but often I rile myself up with this crap to the point where I'm too scared to try it. (pretty stupid). I don't play Super Street Fighter IV anymore because I'm ashamed of my low online ranking and too afraid to log in and play. It's madness that I'm trying to break out of!!

LOL It's really hard for me to get out of the bunker.

It's not a lament really, it's just something I'm trying to change that's so far is not easy but certainly progressing. On the upshot I'm actually also repairing a problematic character flaw I've had since I was a teen; worrying about @%&# that may NEVER happen or doesn't matter anyway and of course being WAY too judgmental of myself

On a side note, there is some evidence that anxiety is hereditary, and of course my old man suffered with PTSD from other stuff anyway, but I now intimately understand (or maybe attribute) new meaning behind much of Pink Floyd's The Wall and I can see why it was one of his favourite albums while going through his issues with anxiety.

Sitting in a bunker, Here behind my wall, Waiting for the worms[Anxiety attack, black thoughts, etc] to come...

Maybe listening to so much Floyd in my life has given me the ability to accept or at least rationalize and help me pull out of this stuff as quickly as I have been.

/whoa! exposed a lot more than planned there haha!!

P.S. Just like, stop me if I plan to shave off my eyebrows LOL

[Mr. Analog]

Do any of the internal options move you out in my direction 

Well it's a possibility, I don't know if you saw the webcast yesterday but we are actually going to have a .NET practice with resource allocation. I had a chat with my CA today and he mentioned a lot of intriguing possibilities, such as being able to come over to Vancouver and work on a 3 to 6 month project to cross pollinate and fill resource gaps (voluntarily of course). Not to mention other new projects that might need my skills more than my current project.

I think the pro / con table is VERY important....

It was an incredibly hard choice for me when I moved.. The timing was all wrong but the opportunity has really worked out well.

I agree, I think things worked out very well for you there, I'm happy that you guys are happy working there. If you had stayed you'd probably be gone somewhere else by now either through frustration or err, "budgetary realignment".

Corporate culture is a real problem however... it is what you have to live with every day and can be a big source of stress.

I guess that's my biggest fear really, I'd hate to leave a place like this and end up in, well you know what I mean, again.

[Lazybones]

Didn't checkout this latest webcast, I find then very project related and the general company stuff overlaps with other Corp only meetings I attend.

A 6mo stint out here cold be fun, but I will admit the hardest part of moving has been not having people to hang out with... Almost everyone I work with commutes in and are spread out so get togethers are more planned than spontaneous. We have started going to some meetup groups to meet people which has been fun.

Doing what you enjoy is really important but you also can't neglect your personal life. I have had some intense projects lately that forced me to work extra hours and left me tired, it really ate in family time which wast good.

[Tom]

Since I can't really add anything to the conversation, I'd like to reiterate Darren's previous statement:

GL sir!

append: Oh, and if you ever want to do something, I'm usually available

[Thorin]

First of all, it's awesome to have this kind of dilemma.  Much better than food-vs-heat.  And congrats to you for doing such a good job and having it recognized!

I've found, with all five jobs I've had since coming out of NAIT, that it's important to be willing to just walk away from a job after six months or a year.  You say you're worried about getting in a bad corporate environment, but that shouldn't worry you.  Check in at six months, see if you still want to stay.  If not, start looking for new work (it's easy to put up with crap if you know it'll only be a couple of months until you get a different job).  If it's good, check in again at a year.  If it's still good, check in again at two years.  If you still like it after two years, you've found a good spot.

You'll have to tell us all about it at the get-together

As for social life, I hear ya.  It's tough because we're all spread out around the city.  Pretty much everything needs to be planned.  Throw kids into the mix, and suddenly your buddies can't just up and go out.  The only thing Upside had going for it, for me, was the group of lunch-chums.  But consider how much time we wasted going to long drinking lunches because of that poisonous environment...

[Mr. Analog]

It's a mixed bag to be sure, for once it's kind of neat to have a "not-damned if you do, not-damed if you don't" kind of problem

[Melbosa]

I feel for you bud... and know you'll come out alright in the end.  You've got great advice here, nothing more needs added.

And hey... I'll just keep sending you messages in CoH UNTIL you respond .

But in all seriousness, if there wasn't a wedding this weekend I'd be there right with you guys!!!

[Darren Dirt]

On a side note, there is some evidence that anxiety is hereditary, and of course my old man suffered with PTSD from other stuff anyway, but I now intimately understand (or maybe attribute) new meaning behind much of Pink Floyd's The Wall and I can see why it was one of his favourite albums while going through his issues with anxiety.

Should I be worried that for a long time my favorite album was Queensryche's "Operation Mindcrime", and favorite films were "Donnie Darko" and "Secret Window"?

As for social life, I hear ya.  It's tough because we're all spread out around the city.  Pretty much everything needs to be planned.  Throw kids into the mix, and suddenly your buddies can't just up and go out.  The only thing Upside had going for it, for me, was the group of lunch-chums.  But consider how much time we wasted going to long drinking lunches because of that poisonous environment...

Any time there's a decent concert at the Century Casino (since I'm there pretty often), usually with some "blast from the past" (i.e. last 1970s or early 1980s rockers) I think about how cool it would be for a handful of us to go. e.g. April Wine is back (again, like once a year pretty much) but, sadly, I think they sold out really quick. But I'll keep an eye open for sure, one of these days there'll be a perfect storm of "band/singer worth seeing + Darren has a bit of free money" and we'll make it happen.

[Mr. Analog]

I feel for you bud... and know you'll come out alright in the end.  You've got great advice here, nothing more needs added.

And hey... I'll just keep sending you messages in CoH UNTIL you respond .

But in all seriousness, if there wasn't a wedding this weekend I'd be there right with you guys!!!

thanks man

I know you'd be comin' if you could

On a side note, there is some evidence that anxiety is hereditary, and of course my old man suffered with PTSD from other stuff anyway, but I now intimately understand (or maybe attribute) new meaning behind much of Pink Floyd's The Wall and I can see why it was one of his favourite albums while going through his issues with anxiety.

Should I be worried that for a long time my favorite album was Queensryche's "Operation Mindcrime", and favorite films were "Donnie Darko" and "Secret Window"?

As for social life, I hear ya.  It's tough because we're all spread out around the city.  Pretty much everything needs to be planned.  Throw kids into the mix, and suddenly your buddies can't just up and go out.  The only thing Upside had going for it, for me, was the group of lunch-chums.  But consider how much time we wasted going to long drinking lunches because of that poisonous environment...

Any time there's a decent concert at the Century Casino (since I'm there pretty often), usually with some "blast from the past" (i.e. last 1970s or early 1980s rockers) I think about how cool it would be for a handful of us to go. e.g. April Wine is back (again, like once a year pretty much) but, sadly, I think they sold out really quick. But I'll keep an eye open for sure, one of these days there'll be a perfect storm of "band/singer worth seeing + Darren has a bit of free money" and we'll make it happen.

Heh, I hear ya there man, some movies make a lot more sense from this perspective now. I also have a better understanding of what people with much worse issues with anxiety are going through.

But yeah! Old bands would be fun, I just need some more time I think. Loud sounds / large groups sometimes set off a panic attack for me, that's why going to movies was so hard. Actually one of the hardest things for me to do was attend Circ de Soleil, but once I got over the first 10 min it was awesome (as always)

[Tom]

Since I can't really add anything to the conversation, I'd like to reiterate Darren's previous statement:

GL sir!

append: Oh, and if you ever want to do something, I'm usually available

I can't be sure if you missed my append, or were avoiding it all-together but there it is.

[Mr. Analog]

Since I can't really add anything to the conversation, I'd like to reiterate Darren's previous statement:

GL sir!

append: Oh, and if you ever want to do something, I'm usually available

I can't be sure if you missed my append, or were avoiding it all-together but there it is.

For sure, when fun stuff comes up we should all try to get out